So I’m sitting here feeding baby, aimlessly looking through job listings, and it dawns on me that I am eliminating myself from certain positions. These jobs are ones that I am more than qualified for on paper. Jobs ive worked before. Jobs ive excelled at with ease but still feel this uncertainty about fulfilling. But why? Why the fear of doing anything successfully? Why am I so scared of failing that I can’t bring myself to even do the things I KNOW I’m good at?
I feel like I beat myself up so much and way too often about not going to college. Like thats some kind of “one size fits all” start to all success. Who made college THE certainty of adult life?
Lately I’ve been feeling so shitty about myself. After having my son I haven’t been able to bounce back mentally. I go to ridiculous lengths to avoid seeing my own body in front of a mirror because I’ll just end up stuck feeling sad and pointing out all my flaws. I rarely take any pictures of myself anymore and if I do, I just can’t seem to like any of them unless heavily filtered. I’m always looking for reassurance. Most days it’s almost as if I’m glad I can’t find the strength to pull myself out of bed or leave the house cuz then I don’t have to worry about the nagging feeling that EVERYONE is staring at me. I feel so washed up and it’s so draining. This year, for Christmas, I’m asking for my confidence back.
Curiousity turned to a spark
Overcome with overwhelming breath..
Wildfire burning vigorously, come to cause destruction
So one would think…
Out of the ashes like that of a Rose growing from concrete..
As if meant to be…
Everything else fades away and I’m entangled with soft sweet music. Played so perfectly…
feeling each note take turns dancing upon my skin
Growingly so intensely..
My breaths growing shallow…
Such sweet Harmony these notes carry encapsulating every emotion as I run my fingertips gently across each one…
My heart is racing,
Day 1: The first day of my challenge was a fail. Not a complete fail… I guess technically not a fail at all. I wasn’t able to make it through my list but I did manage to get myself out of bed for a couple of hours and b4 bed I was able to eat something small. Cheesy egg toast to be exact.
Day 2: This day was a little different. I felt like I was getting sick but I was able to get out of bed, shower, get some clothes on (not pjs lol). I had no actual plan to but I was even able to successfully help a little with Halloween decorations outside which I did while wearing baby Mason strapped to me. They actually turned out looking pretty cool. I had absolutely no appetite and actually went to bed with some crazy stomach pain.
Day3: Bring on the stomach bug! 🤦🏽♀️ Between the nausea, the stomach pains, running back and forth to the toilet, horrible headache, ZERO appetite, fatigue and tears, I pretty much spent all day PRAYING that my 4month old son would somehow understand and be cool with being in bed with me all day.
Day 4: Today has been pretty good so far. I’m having a pretty decent mental health day. So far I’ve gotten out of bed. Vacuumed my house. Cleaned my room, got me and baby showered and dressed and now while he naps I’m able to do some writing. Maybe I’m I’ll be able to put up this mountain of laundry sitting on my couch, growing day by day. 😊
So… today was “call my husband out of work so he can come take care of Mason while I try to sleep this bug away” day
A successful day. I got through my list. I really wasn’t gonna do much of anything but decided at the last minute to go trick-or-treating and even called a friend over to go with. I had fun and I’m glad she was able to come hang out for a little bit.
Appointment day. Doctors appointments for me and Mason. We had breakfast on the way and then got to spend about 4 hours at the doctors office between both of our appointments. He did so so so good with his four month shots. His pediatrician is absolutely awesome. And afterward he even hung out with me while we ran to target to look around for a little (almost 2 hours) because I didn’t want to go home.
I’m hopeful that I can keep this challenge for myself going especially during the holidays. I’ve pretty much always hated the holidays and this year is no different, if not way worse, than the rest.
Ok, so it’s October 31st. Aka Halloween 2019 and while trapped under my napping infant I catch eye of the 2 little Halloween onesies that my husband and I found him on a random Target trip about a month ago. In case you’re wondering, no. We did not go to target that day looking for costumes but hey, shit happens at Target.
After wondering what I would do with them AFTER Halloween 🎃 I quickly decided that even though dad will be at work and big sister isn’t here, I can’t let Mason miss his very first Halloween. Whoever complained about free candy anyway?
Now, the dilemma. Of course, because deciding Halloween wasn’t gonna happen for us, I have no costume. I guess I could be that “regular mom”, going door to door telling “Trick-or-treat!” Wearing “regular clothes”, pushing her “regular stroller“ that holds her super cute baby…. NAH… EXTRA last minute is more my speed lol.
Now for an added dilemma. Being broke and payday conveniently being tomorrow means that I now have to take a mental inventory of everything I own to try and figure out a diy costume without waking up my precious little angel who is, with the grip of a professional weight lifter, holding me by the collar of my shirt.
What I used:
-Sara Lee artesano Brioche bakery bread
-Shredded cheddar jack and mild cheddar
-Chili lime seasoning
How to make/directions:
1: Take your bread and use the spoon to PRESS a rectangle/square shape into the center of your bread (being careful not to cut through because this is where your egg will go)
2: Using your salt and pepper, lightly season your slice of bread.
3: Around the edge of the bread (part you didn’t press) spread a good layer of butter (take it from me, this is important lol)
4: Crack your egg into the center of your bread.
5: lightly season the top of your egg (if you choose)
6: Take your shredded cheese and sprinkle around edges over the butter.
7: Put your bread in the toaster oven and “Toast” for 10 minutes, checking periodically.
8: Enjoy! 😊
Outcome: When I did it the edges of my toast came out a little burnt, which I feel was because I didn’t put much butter around the edges and I also stuffed four slices of bread into my toaster oven at the same time so the edges were kind of touching the inside walls of the oven. Whoops lol. Overall though the recipe was pretty delicious and I enjoyed it a lot. A couple of things I might do different next time are, one I won’t put so much cheese, because I feel like it slowed down the cooking process of the egg so I had to leave it in a little bit longer. Two, I would add a better layer of butter around the edges. Also I’m not a big fan of yolk I never really have been so I also think next time I might break the yolk or maybe scramble the egg before I put it in the center of my bread.
Sidenote. If you don’t have a toaster oven I’m sure you could use your regular oven and I guess maybe just set it to 350 and keep an eye on it just to Be sure it doesn’t burn.
Depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders have to be one of the most… Exciting… One of the most exciting mix of disorders lol. How ridiculous it feels realizing that all week I’ve been struggling with wanting to do EVERYTHING and being able to do NOTHING all while randomly bursting into tears through out my days and nights. Having moments where I can’t physically pull myself out of bed. Barely eating or drinking, and then the awful realization that both myself and my bed most likely look and smell like last weekend. I’ve been wearing these same pajamas for days, only changing my top because I just had to face the fact that the shirt simply couldn’t handle any more of my sons spit up. I’m positive that the only productivity of my day to day life is successfully being a mom, something I can’t seem to ever convince myself that I’m doing right.
Now for the Challenge…
For the next seven days my goal for myself is to do my best to get through this list of things:
After fighting with weather or not to cancel our plans after being up all night the night before tossing and turning and crying, We took baby Mason to his very first pumpkin patch this past weekend and I’m really happy we did because he had so much fun! I think I was more excited than him, actually lol, especially getting to make real smores for the first time over an open fire lol DELICIOUS. and we took pictures… LOTS of pictures.
We got to feed carrots to the horses. We fed the ducks. We saw pot belly pigs, chicks and bunnies. We even got to pet the donkeys. 😍
Let’s face it. With work, family, relationships, expectations, commitments as well as trying to find time to have any kind of social life you end up with a calendar packed full. Add kids to the mix and sprinkle a little depression and anxiety on top and you have yourself an “Impossible pie”.
Day In and day out going to the same job, looking at the same faces, the same walls, paying the same bills. All while trying to be the best parent you can be and fighting your demons all at the same time. That’s THAT STRESS. Sometimes, before you end up running away, you need to get away. Find a way to just clear your head. Take a break. Even if just for a few hours. Go on your own personal STAYCATION. Book a night at a hotel, even if you have to work the next day. Order in, turn off your phone. Bring the kids with you, or not. Just CHANGE THE SCENERY.